HHHMMM????

I have so much running through my mind right now it is actually unbearable. I cant seem to stop "wondering" at what point in our lives we actually stop "wondering" when!! It is always a ongoing question that we all ask ourselves on a daily basis even when we don't think about it. When will it rain again, when will it stop raining, when will the work day be over, when will I talk to that cute guy from the coffee shop, when will I get to go on that trip....see the list could go on forever! However my question is........................................WHEN WILL I BE ABLE TO LIVE MY LIFE???? I can honestly say as of right now that I am at a whirl wind of a roller coaster that is just waiting to drop down the steep shaky tracks and throw me right through a huge circle of fire. I feel so free yet so trapped at this point in my life and really, its ridiculous. I want to be free from the traps that have held me down for so long and yet I know to some extent they will always be with me. I sit here staring into the sky (yes i am sitting outside blogging right now) and besides the fact that the moon is shinning extra vibrant tonight, it seems so dark. The strange part is, I am not even depressed. I am actually happier now than i have been in a very long time. I am more anxious to see what my life is going to hold from this day forward. Maybe it is just that I want to feel something that I have not felt in years and I am not sure I will ever truly find it. I need to feel the wrath of love, the hope of future, the song of happiness, and the pure bliss of life. Is it actually out there for me or will I always wonder when i will be able to live my life? Guess only the fate of time will tell!!!

OOOOO man that brings me to another point!!!! I curse the quote "Time will only tell" and yet i use it on a daily basis. UGH!!!!! What the hell does that actually mean?? I mean really??? Come on...is it time that will tell or just us getting over waiting on time and reaching for what we actually want? I have always believed that "time would tell" but I think I finally woke up one day and said "who the hell am I kidding"!!!!! Time can't tell me what to do with my life or how to live it for that matter. I am pretty darn sure I am the only one who can decide that. Yes time can help to get us to the point of knowing for sure if it is all right, achieving our goals or just flat saying forget it all, but time wont actually tell us what it is we should be doing. I cant wait on time anymore. Life is much to short to wait on something that will not change what we have control over.