Friend....Foe?? How are we to know?

All day my two best friends and I have been blogging back and fourth about how wonderful friendship is and the strength and bond we share! So of course with a very new found amazing friendship in the making and these two truly (blow my mind) woman in my life I am stopped in a split second cause of another outside person to ask....what is a friend and what is a foe?? And this is in no way what so ever pointed to these 3 amazing people...purely from a outsider trying to come in. I am a bit dazed and more confused on how someone can claim to be so close to another but than shed words of fantasy to someone connected to that person...(yeah i know that makes no sense so bare with me haha) We have all had our down falls and days or months of feeling as if nothing matters, but does that in turn make it ok to more or less share your thoughts (sexual or innocent) with someone you claim as your best friends (ex) girl?? HMMMM? What a friend right? Don't get me wrong, this person is great, and just moved out of state to pursue much better opportunities but I would have to call foe on this one. It saddens me to think that because he has always come off as a great guy...but words and actions can show much different. And in all honesty does he think I would play into his fantasy world and play his games? I am proud to say I have much more respect for myself, my family and my friends to ever get caught up in a whirlwind of something that insane. Eh, who really knows? I sure the hell don't have the answer for it all and I could definitely go on about this for days upon days, but why? Really, why am I even talking about it right now? I am just soooooooooo very blessed to be surrounded by some truly magnificent people!

And of course my Tae Mae!!!

You my dear are one of the most amazing friends, sister and person I have had the pleasure of knowing. You bring so much light into my life it is not even funny! I know I know, I am getting all mushy on you girls, but seriously I have no clue where I would be in this life without you!! You have helped me through so much and I hope I have given the same back to you as well. Your beauty radiates through everything you do and say. Truly a gift!!! I love you babes!! xoxoxoxox

My Jenny Bug!!!!

Thank you for your awesome comments on my writing. You are amazing and I love you!!!! Maybe I should give up on the photography, dance and EMT and become a author!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Photo journalism!!!!! HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?????????????????? lmao!!

You help to bring out the best in me and you have no idea how you have effected my life. (for the best of course)! You are my sister, my best friend and my rock. You are my guiding angel and words cannot express how much you mean to me! Would never make it without your strength and love!!!!! You are one strong, beautiful, wonderful woman! Let your spirit run free through a rainbow of magical wonders my love. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Safe Crazy Fun....

Once again I found myself taking part in a very wonderful conversation last night which was great considering how the rest of the day went. I was asked to come up with a plot to a movie (and i don't know what my problem was cause I can normally come up with something quite witty, but my brain was on a freeze last night so needless to say....my story sucked!! HAHA) and somehow the phrase "safe crazy fun" came up. Now what exactly this means I am not really sure (and I am the one who said it haha). OK OK it sounds a little obvious...doing something crazy along with fun but of course being safe about it....but there is way more to it than that. See here I go again, analyzing everything!!! HAHA I think I have a minor problem with doing that. It is like I have to know every detail about something or find the hidden meanings behind it all. But I am going to have to go back to analyzing this phrase cause it was such a joke through the conversation and we never really did come up with a conclusion.

I think of safe and think the obvious; not causing possible injury, not getting caught, not doing anything that is just flat out stupid. But for some reason safe in this phrase seems to have more behind it. Safe as in taking the obvious precaution but in a way of exploring aspects of your life that has not yet been touched.

So this brings us to Crazy; doing something unimaginable, jumping off a roof haha, being adventurous and once again just doing something flat out stupid. Now my thoughts on it would have to be crazy as in conquering goals or dreams that were once so vivid than faded away for a while but you find the courage to reach out to them again.

And finally fun...this one is a bit more obvious than the others; living life to the fullest, smiling, laughing, playing and being near loved ones....I guess the conclusion to this long drawn out story of mine is even though this phrase turned into a huge laugh about all the crazy fun things you can do in your life, while being safe of course (haha) in a different world (well maybe just my world who knows lmao) could mean grabbing your goals and exploring every inch of them but of course while having the time of your life. Who said we can't work towards something and have fun with it?? I say the harder we work and the more determination behind it the happy we will be at the end of the day.

I know I am all over the place with this one, and it probably makes absolutely no sense what so ever but it is running through my head like a little fly going a million miles per hour. I need to stop being so analytical, jeepers! HA HA. Eh, guess it is my was of relaxing which sounds even more insane considering I make my brain work much harder than need be at times. No wonder I clean so much. Gets my mind of analyzing everything...HAHAHAHA who am I kidding?? No it doesn't!! All that does is make me try to take everything apart and either find a way to fix it or come up with the exact conclusion to why it is the way it is. Either way...this is me.....................

Capricorn - February 27, 2009

Today may prove to be one of your busiest in a long time, dear Capricorn. The promise of continuing success could find you spending a lot of time on the phone, sending faxes or emails, or perhaps making a few short trips around your community. You might not be able to reach everyone you hope to speak to, however. Don't let this get you down - just be persistent, and you'll reach them eventually. Onward and upward!

~~~Oh man this just reminded me of how much i actually do have to do today!!

REALLY??????

Well here we are again! UUUUGHHHGHHGHGHHG! I am trying not to stress because like i was told earlier.......IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!!!!! And you know, it really is not! I am just so thankful for everyone in my life right now. You all turn the dark sky's that blind my soul into amazing rays of light!!! Tonight has just been one of those nights. Ya know?? Nothing great except for comforting words by those who actually care. haha. I just am really looking forward to the next week. Things should start looking up and I should be able to start over all I gave up for someone who only cared about them self!!! Well have to leave this short and sweet. To much going on here to continue! BLUAH!

LIFE!

So I had a very enlightening conversation today about life, love, religion and well just about anything and everything. I find it so wonderful yet so questioning how two people from two totally different back rounds, experiences and all around lifestyles can connect in way that even I don't understand!! With the likeness of things here or there, and the common beliefs in God and all around religion yet so many differences in one another lives. Maybe the saying "opposites attract" is actually true?!?! I never would have thought so before, but than again the "opposite" can open your world to so many new things and so many new experiences. Things that you would have never thought about doing or even thought could be a reality. You find yourself consumed mearly by the thought of exploring new possibilities. When you take a step back and look at the logistics of it all you can't help but wonder if it will all be a reality or do we all just live in a world full of fantasies and wishful thinking?

We all know that everything happens for a reason, and every time these reasons are way beyond any control we could ever have. It is always a matter of the right timing and the right place. It is always in the hands of those above us, guiding us onto the path that we are supposed to be walking. Of course we stray away from that path every now and again, but somehow we always find our selves right back on the road we were given. No matter how crooked or broken it is, God never gives us anything we cant handle or overcome. I will say though that we do find from time to time the things we thought were in fact the way they were supposed to be only end up being something completely different than originally intended. We have two choices from there; keep running in the direction we want it to go, or see the real meaning behind it all and go from there. Life sure can take us for one hell of a ride! Sometimes thrilling, other times drowning but when all is said and done every river we cross makes us a strong more determined being!

Once...

Once in awhile we look back at all we have had, all we have lost and all we have loved and we either laugh, cry or try to forget. Do we ever really get to a point of truly finding a peaceful escape from it all, or is it embedded in our minds and hearts for the rest of eternity? Some will say that with time all wounds heal, while others will say that the wounds driven into our soul will never truly be released. Now the bigger question is if the wounds don't truly go away, do we let it control our lives? I have found that I am either to the point of being so numb that I can look past all the havoc that has been whirled into my life or I am past it all and truly ready to explore a world of magnificent wonders I had no idea actually existed.

Capricorn - February 26, 2009

The fog has lifted and you are ready to take off, dear Capricorn. The dreaminess you may have experienced of late has been nice, but now it is time to get moving again. Use all that you have learned from that recent internal processing and put it to use in the practical world. Try not to get caught up in the crossfire of conversations that don't really pertain to you. Feel free to start something new.

~~~Well i would say that this is most defanitly true. I had things rolling along so good and than kind of slowed down. But i am getting things back up and together and moving forward once again. :)

Capricorn - February 25, 2009

There is a loving tenderness in the air that you will find a great deal of comfort in dear Capricorn. ground your sensitive emotions and make room for love to enter the picture.It could be that you are feeling indecisive when it comes to matters of love and romance. the best thing for you to do is stabilize your emotions, and then make the effort to connect intimately with another. The decisions will flow naturally from there.

~~~HAHAHAHAHA if you only knew how true this actually was. I know my BF knows exactly what i mean by that!!

Faith, Truth and Honesty??

So for some reason or another I decided to go through all my old wedding albums and keepsakes. Well one would assume it would make me sad and want to cry my eyes out...HAHA all it did was make me angry. Make me so mad at the fact that the sanctity of marriage has never had a true meaning in my life. The hidden truths, the disrespect and the pressure of it all just made it all a marriage of convenience. Sure we loved, we laughed, we wanted to conquer the world together, but i am not sure it was ever real. it was all just a huge fantasy that was perceived as a amazing place to be. in all honesty how can you tell your spouse how badly you want to make things work and that you would never break them apart than the very next day go on a trip with another woman? really proves to you how badly he wants it to work right? My whole world went up in smoke and i never came out of the flame. i just let it get bigger and bigger until i ended up burning myself in the end. chance after chance to make it right, and yet it was never what i really wanted all along. i was just to damn scared to face the world on my own and find that i would only fail. but in the end it wasn't me failing in life, it was me failing myself and not living up to all i am and all i can be. it was letting the controlling hands of another inadvertently tell me what i could or could not do, how i could or could not live. from the outside it would never appear this way but when you step behind the walls of my mind, heart and soul that is all you see. guess i was just to blinded by the smoke smothering every inch of me to see fresh air that i needed to survive.......


I am so very grateful for whatever came into my life and rescued me from the dying traps of a world of grey.

WTH?

Seriously.......why the hell does someone think it is OK to look at you and say some of the most unbelievable things and seriously think it is OK?? When did the world get so negative and so sarcastic. can't we go back to 1955?????????

BLUAH!

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! That's all...no more, no less....just a bunch of GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

HHHMMM????

I have so much running through my mind right now it is actually unbearable. I cant seem to stop "wondering" at what point in our lives we actually stop "wondering" when!! It is always a ongoing question that we all ask ourselves on a daily basis even when we don't think about it. When will it rain again, when will it stop raining, when will the work day be over, when will I talk to that cute guy from the coffee shop, when will I get to go on that trip....see the list could go on forever! However my question is........................................WHEN WILL I BE ABLE TO LIVE MY LIFE???? I can honestly say as of right now that I am at a whirl wind of a roller coaster that is just waiting to drop down the steep shaky tracks and throw me right through a huge circle of fire. I feel so free yet so trapped at this point in my life and really, its ridiculous. I want to be free from the traps that have held me down for so long and yet I know to some extent they will always be with me. I sit here staring into the sky (yes i am sitting outside blogging right now) and besides the fact that the moon is shinning extra vibrant tonight, it seems so dark. The strange part is, I am not even depressed. I am actually happier now than i have been in a very long time. I am more anxious to see what my life is going to hold from this day forward. Maybe it is just that I want to feel something that I have not felt in years and I am not sure I will ever truly find it. I need to feel the wrath of love, the hope of future, the song of happiness, and the pure bliss of life. Is it actually out there for me or will I always wonder when i will be able to live my life? Guess only the fate of time will tell!!!

OOOOO man that brings me to another point!!!! I curse the quote "Time will only tell" and yet i use it on a daily basis. UGH!!!!! What the hell does that actually mean?? I mean really??? Come on...is it time that will tell or just us getting over waiting on time and reaching for what we actually want? I have always believed that "time would tell" but I think I finally woke up one day and said "who the hell am I kidding"!!!!! Time can't tell me what to do with my life or how to live it for that matter. I am pretty darn sure I am the only one who can decide that. Yes time can help to get us to the point of knowing for sure if it is all right, achieving our goals or just flat saying forget it all, but time wont actually tell us what it is we should be doing. I cant wait on time anymore. Life is much to short to wait on something that will not change what we have control over.