Pink is just amazing on tour, and what a great song!!

Happy Tuesday!

Lets see if we can get this day going better than yesterday!!! Sheesh the only good thing that came out of it was a great convo with my Tae Mae, my Steelers whooped booty and of course my man came over and we had a great night. Aside from that I received all the phone calls that came in where with bad news, my kids were impossible, burnt dinner (lol), had yet another migraine, and my house was a MESS. oh well, house is clean again, kids are in better moods and all the other yucky stuff is just part of the waiting process in life till it gets better. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Happy Tuesday!!!

Some recent photog work :)

Time after TIME!

Time after time I stare into the fiery sky and seek unobtainable answers to questions that are fluttering my mind. Is it truly to late to turn back the hands of time and re-establish my life? Can I honestly not take back some things and replace them with the what should have been? I know all we hear is that what is meant to be will be, or that what has happened was meant to happen, but sometimes I don't see it that way. I cant convince myself that everything that has occurred was for a good reason. Sure there is always a rhyme with a reason, but shit, how many lessons do we have to learn before we figure it all out. I am pretty sure that will never happen. Every step is going to be some sort of victorious adventure into the unknown planet we call home. We alone choose our battles, and we are the only ones who can surrender to them or fight right through. We can only count on ourselves to change the fate of our time and to conquer all we want to obtain. So back to looking for unobtainable answers, that's just it...there truly is none. We hold the answers at the tips of our fingers....so what will you choose to do with them?

WOW! IT HAS BEEN AWHILE!

So it has been 5 months since I have been on here! SHEESH! soooooooooooooo much has happened i wouldn't even know where to start. I moved, which has been amazing, yet I truly miss the quiet life out in QC. :( My new place is very nice, and I am closer to my loves, and especially my BabyLove, but ya know, cant see the stars as well and all i hear is traffic. YUCK! I am still trying to figure out all the kinks in my life, and am finding there is no real answer. Just taking it day by day i guess. things are still amazing with my love, and we are doing great! have had some bumps in the road that have made me want to give it all up, but i am not sure i could do that. we have now been together for almost 10 months, and although some situations have not changed (at all) i still sit here and go through the motions of it. maybe i am being unfair to myself, maybe not. guess once again that darn term comes up! TIME WILL TELL! UGH!

i truly have to much to talk about, just in a huge blah state right now. not really sure why either. so many stresses i cant even comprehend them anymore. as wonderful as my relationship is right now, i still want more out of it. i want to be able to see him on the weekends, to be able to call anytime i please, and to have him around like a boyfriend should be. i know someday we will be able to get to that point, and i know my patience will pay off, just wish i knew when. :( who knows, this could turn into something more amazing than it is, or could turn into shit and ill be left feeling stupid for doing this to myself for the last 10+ months.

photography business has basically become non existent which makes me so sad, i just don't have the time to put into it right now :( ugh again. woah is me. lol.

time is just a stepping stone into the unknown!

The Big "D" Day has arrived....

So today is the big day. The day where my status officially goes back to single, and my name is restored to its original state. I am over come with a thousand emotions and I am not quite sure what they are right now. I am feeling very happy because this is a very good thing, however I am a bit somber in the fact that it is now all real. I am not saying by any means that I do not want this, cause that is not the case. Just a weird feeling knowing in just a few hours I am going to be sitting in a court room listening to someone tell me that it is all real and that it is all really over. I would never change where I am at nor would I ever consider going back to what was. I think I just need to feel the relief when he announces his judgment and I than know I am truly free to live my life as I choose to. Gotta go get ready.....I am sure I will be back on here later.............



This is a must listen to song!!
TRACE ADKINS..."HAPPY TO BE HERE"

So Many close calls dodging wrecking balls
There ain’t no pitfall I didn’t fall through
Girl there’s no telling how I ever made it out
And lived to talk about the reckless things
I used to do

Oh to tell the truth
I shouldn’t be alive
I’ve seen the other side
All I can say is
I’m just happy to be here
Wrapped in your loving arms just like an answered prayer
There’s a God out there and I’m just happy to be here
Happy to be here

Baby When I see your face I’m in a better place
Girl I’m so blown away that heaven came down to me
How’d I get so lucky

I shouldn’t be alive
I’ve seen the other side
All I can say is
I’m just happy to be here
Wrapped in your loving arms just like an answered prayer
There’s a God out there and I’m just happy to be here
Right with you baby
For the rest of my life
I’m happy to be here
For the rest of my life
Right with you baby

Sleep??

Oh man, I am so torn right now. As you have read I am absolutely the happiest I have ever been, and now that I am to this enduring time in my life, ALL of those around me are stuck in some sort of rut. It truly hurts my heart to look around with this huge smile on my face and realize that I am the only one around me who is truly happy. It always seemed the opposite for me....everyone around me was happy while I was dealing with my battles, but now...it is so different. Maybe this is my way of giving back to all of those who helped me get through my hard times? I want to scream out to the world all the wonderful things happening in my life, yet I don't want to utter a word sometimes. I just truly wish these amazing people could be happy. Not just content, but truly and completely happy. I am not sure why this all just hit me right now, but it did. I have been sitting here thinking about the magnificent friends and family I have, those who have truly been my rock through it all and asked myself where each and everyone of them were in their lives. Some of course have their times of greatness but it seems as if I am the only one with no major life complaints for a change. Although this is a wonderful feeling for me to be where I am, I also want the same for everyone else. I know they will all get their someday, and that they will feel what I am feeling right now. I just hope it is sooner than later.....

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am shaking so bad right now i am not sure i can even type this out! These amazing and wonderful boys you see are from the band South of Somewhere! I have the grand pleasure of working directly side by side with them taking their pictures and getting to know each and everyone of them. Not only do they each have amazing musical talent, but they also are 6 of the most amazing people i have had the privilege of knowing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now not only have they helped me to bring out my photography, i just received phone call from Mr. Bobby Earl and they have been asked to open for BUCKY COVINGTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bobby Earl, I am so deeply proud of you for making it here!!!! The tears just wont stop flowing!!!!!!!!!!!! You sure are one amazing soul and one truly amazing artist!!!!!! Man i cant express my feelings on this enough. And the other great news with all this is that my pics seen below are being created into a poster for the show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo man!!! I am so touched and so happy and proud of them all, but most importantly Bobby for making this all happen!!!! We are all living our dreams together!!!!




Bobby Earl
Joe Panther

Matt Prouty

Ken Smith

Todd Isaac

Gil Guillia

Eric Church

Not only is Eric Church one HELL of a artist 3 (and plenty more) of his songs are ones that my baby has dedicated to me as well as me right back at him. :) just have to share these lyrics with ya!!

"Love Your Love The Most"

I Love Sleeping In On Saturdays
And I Love College Football Games
I Love Not Acting My Age
And A Good Barbeque

Yeah I'm A Fan Of Faulkner Books
And Anything My Mama Cooks
Small Mouth Bass Have Got Me Hooked
On Sunday Afternoon

Yes I Love Good Cold Beer
And Mustard On My Fries
I Love A Good Loud Honky Tonk
That Rocks On Friday Night
And Hell Yes I Love My Truck
But I Want You To Know
Honey I Love Your Love The Most

Man I Love How Redman Taste
And Damn I Love My Nascar Race
Any Song Sung By George Strait
Is Country At It's Best

Yes I Love Good Cold Beer
And Mustard On My Fries
I Love A Good Loud Honky Tonk
That Rocks On Friday Night
And Hell Yes I Love My Truck
But I Want You To Know
Honey I Love Your Love The Most

I Love

Yeah I Love Scuffed Up Cowboy Boots
And Broke In Tore Up Jeans
A Four Wheel Drive Eight Point Bucks
And Rocky Road Ice Cream
And Hell Yes I Love My Dog
And Jack D In My Coke
But Honey I Love Your Love

Yeah I Love Your Love The Most
I Love Your Love The Most


"Without You Here"

Without you here everything's in black and white
Without you here I'm upside down
Without you here honey I'm a melody
Living in a world that can't hear sound

If these boots could fit a railroad track
I'd be gone and never look back
If my thumb could flag a wild wind down
I'd lean back and let it blow me around
And try to land anywhere other than without you here

Without you here every breath is wasted
Without you here I'm just a ghost
Without you here I'm stranded at the station
And my mind caught the last train for the coast

If this truck were a time machine
I'd rev it up and let it carry me
Light years away or on down the line
I'd give the shirt off my back or my last dime
If it can take me anywhere other than without you here

There's roads and sky, boats and wine
A million ways to leave you behind
I don't know where
But there's still life out there
Not without you here, not without you here

Cause without you here everything's in black and white
Without you here I'm upside down
Without you here honey I'm a melody
Living in a wold that can't hear sound


"You Make It Look So Easy"

I got a hard head, I get that from my dad
And I can overreact maybe just a tad
I put up walls to show the world I'm tough
When i don't get my way, I get difficult
But when it comes to lovin' me
Baby you make it look so easy

You're my refuge from the road
A safe place to go
When I'm out here livin' on this ledge
And when I'm circlin' the drain
You keep my crazy sane
And quiet all the voices in my head

I'm probably wrong more than I say
And I'd point that out if you were that way
Yeah I'm hard to love and ever harder to live with
And I know there's days when you just want to up and quit
But when it comes to lovin' me
Baby you make it look so easy

You're my compass when I'm lost
My anchor when I get tossed
And the right way when all I can do is wrong
Sometimes I drink 'til I fall down
but your arms save me from the ground
And hold me 'til all the hurt is gone

I got a hard head, I was born that way
And that makes me wrong more than I say
But I thank God you got a hard head too
I guess he must have known you'd need that
To get us through
'Cause when it comes to lovin' me
Baby you make it look so easy
Yeah baby you make it look so easy

"SMITTEN"

Yes, it has been quite awhile since i have posted on here and in a lot of ways I can say that is a good thing. I say that because it means that my life is taking a new path, and for once it is truly and deeply wonderful. My business is finally taking off and i have a very special someone to thank for so much for that. Though he may not know, his insight, strength, wisdom and support has led me to find apart of myself i have only dreamt about. It is now 4:30am (yes i am crazy) but after just hanging up the phone with the one i can honestly say has inspired me in so many ways my mind just cant shut off quite yet. My whole world in the past 4 months has taken a change that i did not see coming. A turn into a world that I always looked at through a broken window in hopes of one day clearing the cracks and seeing the real picture. Due to the grace of God and in my belief the guidance of a few others from up above, those cracks are gone and I am able to now see what true love and beauty is. Throughout the course of this relationship i have been able to experience the joy of peace, harmony, respect, passion. compassion, the soulfulness of another being, the true beauty in faith and love, the unconditional aspects that can really be brought into a life, and above all the ultimate high of feeling totally and utterly complete. My "puzzle" that has been so scattered is now piecing itself together and making the most amazing picture known to man. I wish every living creature weather it be human, animal or even terrestrial could experience or even feel a glimpse of what I am feeling. Everyone deserves this sort of happiness. Though times may seem as if I am reaching out and no one is there to grasp my hand and pull me out of the whirlwind of loneliness, I know deep down I am not alone. I have the most amazing people surrounding me right now, and I have one truly wonderful man reaching for me just as much as i am reaching for him. We have a few angels helping to pull us together and show us that love is real, and TRUE love is something that really is a deep emotional encounter that takes over your entire body. Not just your mind and heart, but your soul and every inch of who you are. Treacherous paths can cause havoc and some situations can make you wonder what is going to come of it all, but in the end if you can climb the mountain and see the light of day on the other side, together you can conquer the world.

I can say with confidence that i have found the one.....we have found each other. Seems so strange to say or even think for that matter, cause I really gave up on the hope that this type of thing even existed. I know there are a few long roads ahead for the both of us, and I know that times are not always going to be as perfect as we both hope for, but one thing I do know is that the emptiness and the hurt I have felt throughout the course of my life is no longer going to linger with me. I have been able to move past it and I have been able to really see that every crack in my window was worth it. As much as somethings hurt, and as much as I didn't think I would ever recover, my soul mate, the one who is completing my world came to me with just a glimpse and a few simple words.

Some may say that this is all because it is so new, and so exciting, but I know that is not the case. You just know when you find that ONE who completes you and who you are meant to be with. I am so very grateful for the hard times I have had to go through and over come to get to this point. Yes, there are a lot of aspects even right now that are very hard to live with everyday, and that I wish did not exist, but at the same time each and every battle is a battle worth a million words. I lived in a world of fear, fear of the unknown, fear of change and fear of regret.....I am finally in a place where i can say that all of those fears have turned into something amazingly wonderful. I would not trade them for the world. I love the fact that i over came the change, and that my body and mind was able to adjust to it all. Not only I, but my amazing children are living in happiness and not sadness. I can show them that love is a good thing, and that "mommy" can be happy and open them to a world of those same emotions. No child should have to live in a home where one or both parents are miserable. We may not see that it is actually effecting them since they see the togetherness of parents, but come the end of it all they feel every ounce of the pain and hurt in their supporters heart. Children are so resilient and bounce back so fast if given the love and support. Mine are doing amazingly well now and i will thank the fact that they see for once mommy is so happy and that is a feeling them nor i would change just to go back into a world of hurt and destruction. at the end of the day, i can lay my head down with a smile on my face knowing i have a great thing right now.....nothing could take away this feeling...nothing.

HMMMMMM ice cream man driving around at 5am??? kinda strange. time to go to bed!!! well, kinda.....time to lay down and drift off into a living dream, than take a nap later. haha....night night.

BLAHBITY BLAHBITY BLAHBITY

Sheesh!! been way to long since i blogged!! Been super busy and trying to stay that way. I am finally alone in the house and although the first few days were a bit tough i am now enjoying every ounce of my alone time. Well cant say every ounce cause god knows that someone here to talk to or even just lay with would be very very amazing. But non the less i am free to talk on the phone when i want, to whom i want and not have to worry about someone standing over me. I have become very close to a very special person whose name i choose to keep to myself or those who know me just to keep the peace on his end of the spectrum. Lord knows who is able to read these blogs and seeing that his name is well known i don't want to cause waves for him...but anyway back to the point of this whole thing......i have so many things looking up for me right now and the feeling is beyond amazing. I cant even describe how amazing. I feel free, content, loved, appreciated, adored, and most of all i feel as if my life is finally going somewhere...and not just anywhere, where i want it to go. I hope with all my might that the things i am looking forward to come through and are not just toying with me. And this goes for many things in my life right now. I am trying with all my might to finally get this whole photography thing going and so far so good. I am although a little frightened by the fact that i am still very armature and hope i can fulfill the job soon to be done. I know i have the potential but these boys have dealt with some amazing photographers!!! EEEEEEK. I know i am good and i know i have every potential to get the job done in a very appealing way, just pray i don't freeze up and get bad shots. I have amazing support through it though and i am sure i will be pushed to the max to capture some great stuff.

So aside from all that blabbing, i am beginning to see the brighter side of life thanks to the help of some wonderful people. The curse that has blistered my soul seems to be healing very nicely. Yes some days are harder than others, but it is more due to the fact that i don't understand how i got where i am. At this point though, does it really matter? NO! God led me here and will only lead me where i am supposed to be. he has already led me into a very peaceful and truly mind blowing place just in the last 4 weeks. Although some aspects of where I am at right now seem to be hard to understand and at times a bit stressful, i truly feel that it will all come together and turn into something quite enduring.

I have been able to get to know someone who understands me as best he can, and who can truly make me laugh and smile which has not happened in YEARS!!! No this is not some kind of sexual based love romance, it is a true growing friendship and a firm understanding of one another feelings, hopes and desires. If it becomes more than that, it is a huge added bonus, but to just have this person in my life, and to be able to talk, laugh or cry if need be has brought so much peace into my heart. I am truly blessed. I have my 3 girls in my life who have been so unbelievable and to have added this is just truly surreal.

yeah i know I'm just going on and on and on about nothing really, but i feel the need (well guess that is what blogs are for) to talk about it. eh whatever...hahahha....I am happy and content right now and i hope it sticks this way. i never thought i would be where i am right now, and i am so grateful for all that brought me here. all the pain that i have encountered has served as nothing more than a learning block. i wouldn't take any of the past away. it has only made me stronger and taught me the ropes of life. i have said it before and will continue to say it over and over.......life is a winding road, it is the path we chose who makes us who we are!!!!

off for now!!

Capricorn - March 1, 2009

A higher level of intuition and inspiration than is usual for you, dear Capricorn, could enhance artistic talents. A powerful drive to express the stories, pictures or music that may be flooding your mind could result in your spending as much of the day as you can in seclusion, jotting down your thoughts and ideas. When the day ends, you might have spent most of your free time alone, yet be very satisfied with the results.

WWWEEEEEEEEE!

~Ya know...I think Sunday is one of the best days. Yes of course it is followed by the dreaded Monday, but no day is different from the next for me. It is all about kids and house work each and every day. Now Sunday..whole different story. It is my day to sit back, relax and watch either the race or football...well with the exception of Saturday races, games and of course college football. LOL. Well the famous words were just said....BOOGIDY BOOGIDY BOODGIDY LETS GO RACING BOYS!!!!! May god bless them all and keep them safe today. Time for a good race. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

Friend....Foe?? How are we to know?

All day my two best friends and I have been blogging back and fourth about how wonderful friendship is and the strength and bond we share! So of course with a very new found amazing friendship in the making and these two truly (blow my mind) woman in my life I am stopped in a split second cause of another outside person to ask....what is a friend and what is a foe?? And this is in no way what so ever pointed to these 3 amazing people...purely from a outsider trying to come in. I am a bit dazed and more confused on how someone can claim to be so close to another but than shed words of fantasy to someone connected to that person...(yeah i know that makes no sense so bare with me haha) We have all had our down falls and days or months of feeling as if nothing matters, but does that in turn make it ok to more or less share your thoughts (sexual or innocent) with someone you claim as your best friends (ex) girl?? HMMMM? What a friend right? Don't get me wrong, this person is great, and just moved out of state to pursue much better opportunities but I would have to call foe on this one. It saddens me to think that because he has always come off as a great guy...but words and actions can show much different. And in all honesty does he think I would play into his fantasy world and play his games? I am proud to say I have much more respect for myself, my family and my friends to ever get caught up in a whirlwind of something that insane. Eh, who really knows? I sure the hell don't have the answer for it all and I could definitely go on about this for days upon days, but why? Really, why am I even talking about it right now? I am just soooooooooo very blessed to be surrounded by some truly magnificent people!

And of course my Tae Mae!!!

You my dear are one of the most amazing friends, sister and person I have had the pleasure of knowing. You bring so much light into my life it is not even funny! I know I know, I am getting all mushy on you girls, but seriously I have no clue where I would be in this life without you!! You have helped me through so much and I hope I have given the same back to you as well. Your beauty radiates through everything you do and say. Truly a gift!!! I love you babes!! xoxoxoxox

My Jenny Bug!!!!

Thank you for your awesome comments on my writing. You are amazing and I love you!!!! Maybe I should give up on the photography, dance and EMT and become a author!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Photo journalism!!!!! HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?????????????????? lmao!!

You help to bring out the best in me and you have no idea how you have effected my life. (for the best of course)! You are my sister, my best friend and my rock. You are my guiding angel and words cannot express how much you mean to me! Would never make it without your strength and love!!!!! You are one strong, beautiful, wonderful woman! Let your spirit run free through a rainbow of magical wonders my love. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Safe Crazy Fun....

Once again I found myself taking part in a very wonderful conversation last night which was great considering how the rest of the day went. I was asked to come up with a plot to a movie (and i don't know what my problem was cause I can normally come up with something quite witty, but my brain was on a freeze last night so needless to say....my story sucked!! HAHA) and somehow the phrase "safe crazy fun" came up. Now what exactly this means I am not really sure (and I am the one who said it haha). OK OK it sounds a little obvious...doing something crazy along with fun but of course being safe about it....but there is way more to it than that. See here I go again, analyzing everything!!! HAHA I think I have a minor problem with doing that. It is like I have to know every detail about something or find the hidden meanings behind it all. But I am going to have to go back to analyzing this phrase cause it was such a joke through the conversation and we never really did come up with a conclusion.

I think of safe and think the obvious; not causing possible injury, not getting caught, not doing anything that is just flat out stupid. But for some reason safe in this phrase seems to have more behind it. Safe as in taking the obvious precaution but in a way of exploring aspects of your life that has not yet been touched.

So this brings us to Crazy; doing something unimaginable, jumping off a roof haha, being adventurous and once again just doing something flat out stupid. Now my thoughts on it would have to be crazy as in conquering goals or dreams that were once so vivid than faded away for a while but you find the courage to reach out to them again.

And finally fun...this one is a bit more obvious than the others; living life to the fullest, smiling, laughing, playing and being near loved ones....I guess the conclusion to this long drawn out story of mine is even though this phrase turned into a huge laugh about all the crazy fun things you can do in your life, while being safe of course (haha) in a different world (well maybe just my world who knows lmao) could mean grabbing your goals and exploring every inch of them but of course while having the time of your life. Who said we can't work towards something and have fun with it?? I say the harder we work and the more determination behind it the happy we will be at the end of the day.

I know I am all over the place with this one, and it probably makes absolutely no sense what so ever but it is running through my head like a little fly going a million miles per hour. I need to stop being so analytical, jeepers! HA HA. Eh, guess it is my was of relaxing which sounds even more insane considering I make my brain work much harder than need be at times. No wonder I clean so much. Gets my mind of analyzing everything...HAHAHAHA who am I kidding?? No it doesn't!! All that does is make me try to take everything apart and either find a way to fix it or come up with the exact conclusion to why it is the way it is. Either way...this is me.....................

Capricorn - February 27, 2009

Today may prove to be one of your busiest in a long time, dear Capricorn. The promise of continuing success could find you spending a lot of time on the phone, sending faxes or emails, or perhaps making a few short trips around your community. You might not be able to reach everyone you hope to speak to, however. Don't let this get you down - just be persistent, and you'll reach them eventually. Onward and upward!

~~~Oh man this just reminded me of how much i actually do have to do today!!

REALLY??????

Well here we are again! UUUUGHHHGHHGHGHHG! I am trying not to stress because like i was told earlier.......IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!!!!! And you know, it really is not! I am just so thankful for everyone in my life right now. You all turn the dark sky's that blind my soul into amazing rays of light!!! Tonight has just been one of those nights. Ya know?? Nothing great except for comforting words by those who actually care. haha. I just am really looking forward to the next week. Things should start looking up and I should be able to start over all I gave up for someone who only cared about them self!!! Well have to leave this short and sweet. To much going on here to continue! BLUAH!

LIFE!

So I had a very enlightening conversation today about life, love, religion and well just about anything and everything. I find it so wonderful yet so questioning how two people from two totally different back rounds, experiences and all around lifestyles can connect in way that even I don't understand!! With the likeness of things here or there, and the common beliefs in God and all around religion yet so many differences in one another lives. Maybe the saying "opposites attract" is actually true?!?! I never would have thought so before, but than again the "opposite" can open your world to so many new things and so many new experiences. Things that you would have never thought about doing or even thought could be a reality. You find yourself consumed mearly by the thought of exploring new possibilities. When you take a step back and look at the logistics of it all you can't help but wonder if it will all be a reality or do we all just live in a world full of fantasies and wishful thinking?

We all know that everything happens for a reason, and every time these reasons are way beyond any control we could ever have. It is always a matter of the right timing and the right place. It is always in the hands of those above us, guiding us onto the path that we are supposed to be walking. Of course we stray away from that path every now and again, but somehow we always find our selves right back on the road we were given. No matter how crooked or broken it is, God never gives us anything we cant handle or overcome. I will say though that we do find from time to time the things we thought were in fact the way they were supposed to be only end up being something completely different than originally intended. We have two choices from there; keep running in the direction we want it to go, or see the real meaning behind it all and go from there. Life sure can take us for one hell of a ride! Sometimes thrilling, other times drowning but when all is said and done every river we cross makes us a strong more determined being!

Once...

Once in awhile we look back at all we have had, all we have lost and all we have loved and we either laugh, cry or try to forget. Do we ever really get to a point of truly finding a peaceful escape from it all, or is it embedded in our minds and hearts for the rest of eternity? Some will say that with time all wounds heal, while others will say that the wounds driven into our soul will never truly be released. Now the bigger question is if the wounds don't truly go away, do we let it control our lives? I have found that I am either to the point of being so numb that I can look past all the havoc that has been whirled into my life or I am past it all and truly ready to explore a world of magnificent wonders I had no idea actually existed.

Capricorn - February 26, 2009

The fog has lifted and you are ready to take off, dear Capricorn. The dreaminess you may have experienced of late has been nice, but now it is time to get moving again. Use all that you have learned from that recent internal processing and put it to use in the practical world. Try not to get caught up in the crossfire of conversations that don't really pertain to you. Feel free to start something new.

~~~Well i would say that this is most defanitly true. I had things rolling along so good and than kind of slowed down. But i am getting things back up and together and moving forward once again. :)

Capricorn - February 25, 2009

There is a loving tenderness in the air that you will find a great deal of comfort in dear Capricorn. ground your sensitive emotions and make room for love to enter the picture.It could be that you are feeling indecisive when it comes to matters of love and romance. the best thing for you to do is stabilize your emotions, and then make the effort to connect intimately with another. The decisions will flow naturally from there.

~~~HAHAHAHAHA if you only knew how true this actually was. I know my BF knows exactly what i mean by that!!

Faith, Truth and Honesty??

So for some reason or another I decided to go through all my old wedding albums and keepsakes. Well one would assume it would make me sad and want to cry my eyes out...HAHA all it did was make me angry. Make me so mad at the fact that the sanctity of marriage has never had a true meaning in my life. The hidden truths, the disrespect and the pressure of it all just made it all a marriage of convenience. Sure we loved, we laughed, we wanted to conquer the world together, but i am not sure it was ever real. it was all just a huge fantasy that was perceived as a amazing place to be. in all honesty how can you tell your spouse how badly you want to make things work and that you would never break them apart than the very next day go on a trip with another woman? really proves to you how badly he wants it to work right? My whole world went up in smoke and i never came out of the flame. i just let it get bigger and bigger until i ended up burning myself in the end. chance after chance to make it right, and yet it was never what i really wanted all along. i was just to damn scared to face the world on my own and find that i would only fail. but in the end it wasn't me failing in life, it was me failing myself and not living up to all i am and all i can be. it was letting the controlling hands of another inadvertently tell me what i could or could not do, how i could or could not live. from the outside it would never appear this way but when you step behind the walls of my mind, heart and soul that is all you see. guess i was just to blinded by the smoke smothering every inch of me to see fresh air that i needed to survive.......


I am so very grateful for whatever came into my life and rescued me from the dying traps of a world of grey.

WTH?

Seriously.......why the hell does someone think it is OK to look at you and say some of the most unbelievable things and seriously think it is OK?? When did the world get so negative and so sarcastic. can't we go back to 1955?????????

BLUAH!

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! That's all...no more, no less....just a bunch of GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

HHHMMM????

I have so much running through my mind right now it is actually unbearable. I cant seem to stop "wondering" at what point in our lives we actually stop "wondering" when!! It is always a ongoing question that we all ask ourselves on a daily basis even when we don't think about it. When will it rain again, when will it stop raining, when will the work day be over, when will I talk to that cute guy from the coffee shop, when will I get to go on that trip....see the list could go on forever! However my question is........................................WHEN WILL I BE ABLE TO LIVE MY LIFE???? I can honestly say as of right now that I am at a whirl wind of a roller coaster that is just waiting to drop down the steep shaky tracks and throw me right through a huge circle of fire. I feel so free yet so trapped at this point in my life and really, its ridiculous. I want to be free from the traps that have held me down for so long and yet I know to some extent they will always be with me. I sit here staring into the sky (yes i am sitting outside blogging right now) and besides the fact that the moon is shinning extra vibrant tonight, it seems so dark. The strange part is, I am not even depressed. I am actually happier now than i have been in a very long time. I am more anxious to see what my life is going to hold from this day forward. Maybe it is just that I want to feel something that I have not felt in years and I am not sure I will ever truly find it. I need to feel the wrath of love, the hope of future, the song of happiness, and the pure bliss of life. Is it actually out there for me or will I always wonder when i will be able to live my life? Guess only the fate of time will tell!!!

OOOOO man that brings me to another point!!!! I curse the quote "Time will only tell" and yet i use it on a daily basis. UGH!!!!! What the hell does that actually mean?? I mean really??? Come on...is it time that will tell or just us getting over waiting on time and reaching for what we actually want? I have always believed that "time would tell" but I think I finally woke up one day and said "who the hell am I kidding"!!!!! Time can't tell me what to do with my life or how to live it for that matter. I am pretty darn sure I am the only one who can decide that. Yes time can help to get us to the point of knowing for sure if it is all right, achieving our goals or just flat saying forget it all, but time wont actually tell us what it is we should be doing. I cant wait on time anymore. Life is much to short to wait on something that will not change what we have control over.